cake and cup

happy holidays

2011-12-24T13:38:00.000-05:00

A long, long break! How are you? I'm well, full to the brim with ideas and goals. However I don't feel full in an excited, anxious way, but in a subtle, swelling, quiet way. I just feel that this year will be wonderful, and I'm greatly anticipating the new year, and my birthday, also in January.
Some books and people have directly influenced me as of late, leading me to turn inward more, and to explore what is important to me. I find that I enjoy quiet evenings in my living room, away from the computer screen and my phone, doing something like reading and sipping tea, or in the kitchen, baking. I have pulled out my violin again, wanting to learn some fiddle tunes with which to accompany Scott on the banjo. The creative urge has been so strong! Between writing, music, and baking, I'm feeling pretty satisfied lately.

So to you, happy holidays and an especially happy new year.
What do you foresee for the new year in your life?

in my mind's eye

2011-11-14T14:52:00.000-05:00

I took such a long break from writing, not only here and but also from my book, that I became disenchanted with the whole thing. I thought I was doing great, beginning to work on plot. I found a few tools online for developing plot, and tried to work it out. It sapped the energy right out of my writing, though. I felt like I'd already written the whole thing, and it died right there on my doorstep. So I took a longer break, not being able to write something that was essentially roadkill.

I read "On Writing" by Stephen King. I can't speak highly enough of this book. I loved the look into his life as a writer, the first half is a memoir which focuses on his writing, beginning in childhood. The second half was his advice on writing. He talked about creating a toolbox with which to work from, including vocabulary, grammar, and style. He offered great tips such as "write with the door closed," literally and figuratively. This really resonates with me, as does this quote I read yesterday over on Amber's blog: "Write your first draft with your heart. Rewrite with your head," from Finding Forrester.

King also describes his writing as character-driven, beginning with a situation. This made me emphatically nod "yes" and feel reassured that I am not doomed as a writer if I just can't get behind plot-driven writing. To be honest, I can't get behind it. I love characters, first and foremost, and I don't like to figure out the plot beforehand. I have a "situation" in mind, so to speak. My novel begins with something that sets the rest of the story going, but where it goes, I don't yet know. And I like it that way.

I have been taking King's advice to heart. I sit down every day, same time, to write my 1000 words. I sit down and hope the muse shows up, and usually he does. If not, then I write boring stuff. But it's okay, I can always take out the boring stuff later. This way, without a plot drawn out, I am surprised with my characters. They show me what they are doing, and I jot it down. I am beginning to see them in my mind's eye. I catch glimpses of clothing, I hear the emotion in their voices. It's really quite exciting. And so I plod along, 1000 words at a time, in the back seat, taking notes, as I watch my characters go about their lives.

In my life, I strive to be in the moment, and to soak up the details around me, as they work like mental compost to eventually enrich my writing. Also, as cooler weather sets in, I start needing to bake. Thus the cookies begin to be a staple on my counter top. Soon it will be pies, and apple cake. What's your favorite fall treat?
Another question, I may have asked before, but I want to know again. Do you have a book on writing (or your creative outlet of choice) that really speaks to you?

heart of writing

2011-10-03T16:17:00.000-04:00

"Writing practice knows this, knows we are not our thoughts, but lets the thoughts, visions, emotions run through us and puts them on the page. Writing is the crack through which you can crawl into a bigger world, into your wild mind." -Natalie Goldberg

Ah, the dry spell has been broken. It's always Natalie Goldberg, digging into the heart of writing, and inspiring me to get pen to page. I started reading "Wild Mind: Living the Writer's Life", and along with some encouragement from my dear friend Jessie, I sat down last night and did some writing. The thing with writing is, as Natalie Goldberg says, a writer can't stop writing. She might take a few months off, but not writing is like suicide. It will drive the writer into depression or drinking, or sometimes both. A writer just has to write.

I love Natalie Goldberg's method of creating a writing practice. It's not journaling, but just filling pages. Sometimes I do timed ten minute jaunts, sometimes I think of a subject and fill a few pages - ignoring margins and lines - until it wraps up on its own. Writing practice is a bit different than sitting down to write a novel, but writing practice is a great warm up for working on a novel. The novel I've been working on is taking some time off from me, it seems, but ideas for it keep rolling in, much to my delight. I think I've got to do some plot mapping, which I have no idea how to approach, but I feel I need to get myself organized before I continue.

For now, I'll be enjoying the drop in the temperature by going on long walks with my kids, picking up treasures all the way home. Magnolia pine cones, rocks, pecan shells, and red mottled leaves seem to be most popular these days.My personal treasures include reading late at night, my writing practice, and chilly mornings with black coffee, looking through the condensation covered windows, watching my little ones play together.
What sorts of treasures are you enjoying these days?

birthday

2011-09-23T14:49:00.000-04:00

Finn turned 3 yesterday, complete with playing with friends all day, homemade pizza for dinner, and cookies and ice cream. It is a wonder that this little being whom I birthed not too long ago, is definitely on his way to becoming his own big person. He is independent and kind, and loves to read books and go on adventures. Here are a few shots from yesterday.

a little break

2011-09-20T14:14:00.000-04:00

A break, a vacation, is just what a person needs sometimes.
I took a vacation when my mom and brother flew in, and we went, with the kids, to the beach together. It was wonderful! I also took a break from any sort of writing, which felt good at first, but now I feel malnourished.
The break gave my story time to breathe and come to life, and new ideas began to occur to me, guiding me along even when I felt uncertain. Now I am ready to keep writing, armed with a resolution and some major character development ideas.
Also, coming home to this house, I realized I've got some work to do to make it truly feel like home. Some cleaning, some painting, some sprucing up. Now that the weather is cooling down, I may feel more like spending time inside the house and making it more beautiful. After all, our lease is for 2 years, so I want to do a little work to make it enjoyable to live here.
The most exciting news of this week is Finn's third birthday, coming right up on Thursday. He has requested a strawberry cake, so I am on the hunt for the perfect recipe.

Are you taking a little break from anything?
Do you have any exciting news this week?

big news

2011-08-24T14:25:00.000-04:00

The summer days are slipping by. This morning the air was cooler, and a breeze flipped the leaves of the trees back and forth, waving hello.

I have been busy learning a new city. Atlanta is not completely new to me, I spent twelve years of my life living just outside of Atlanta, in various suburbs. Living in the city, though, is different. It is still easy for me to get turned around as I try to find my way about town. Did I already express how much I love it here? We live two blocks away from a beautiful shaded playground, a library, a post office, a cafe, a bakery, and a pizza place. Not to mention, just a mere mile from my best friend.

Here is the big news as of late.
1. Evelyn is walking! For a couple months she would take a step or two, then plop back down. Now, it is almost full-time walking, with tiny bouts of crawling in between. Watch out, world.
2. I am writing a lot. I'm practicing in my journal, Natalie Goldberg style. I have also begun writing what I can only hope will turn into a novel someday. My word count is just over 10,000 as of today. 10k! I would not have imagined that possible a few weeks ago.

So that is what's going on with me. What is going on with you? Have any big news?

anticipation

2011-08-10T12:55:00.000-04:00

After not writing in a long time, I thought I'd check in today. I feel anticipation is a great theme in my life these days.
We are still settling in to the new place. We've been here about a month, and while we plan on buying a new bookshelf soon, that still leaves our sunroom piled with boxes marked "books". The sunroom, when emptied, will become my craft/writing room, just a little place of my own. I look forward to spending time in there!

Scott and I just celebrated five years of marriage. The move and his new job had put some stress on our relationship, but I feel that over the past week we've intentionally spent some quality time together, and we are much more connected now. It can be easy to get caught up in all that is going on, and forget your true priorities.

The other tidbit of news I have is that my brother is home from overseas (he is in the air force and was on his second deployment) and he and my mom will fly in and spend some time with me soon! I look forward to this reunion immensely, I have not seen David in over a year, and have not seen my mom since spring. It is difficult to live apart from them, especially as my relationships with both of them have grown so much since becoming an adult and a parent. I can't wait to just goof off and hang out with them!

The summer has been so hot I had completely forgotten about fall, but the past couple days the mornings have been breezy and cool (that is to say, not 90 degrees). So autumn has been slipping back into my mind, and how exciting it is to anticipate cooler weather, crunchy leaves, and of course the foods of fall - especially apples and pumpkins.

What's new in your life? What are you most looking forward to these days?

in my home

2011-07-27T14:19:00.001-04:00

Here are some shots of our new place, as it comes together. It is unfinished (as always, right?) but feeling more like home every day. I uploaded these photos onto my facebook account, and then went through and tagged people. I tagged Natalie, in the things she's given me, and Jamie, for the housewarming plant and her book I'm borrowing. I tagged my mom, for her pieces of art and the heavy side table that has traveled with me for my entire life as I remember, from Wyoming to Georgia, Missouri, Tennessee, and back to Georgia. I tagged Jessie, for the basket she gave to me. As I looked at the photos and matched names to items in my home, I realized how many of my things were given as gifts by friends, or created by hands of the ones I love the most.
There is the bench from my grandmother, and the pillow she made and sent to me. There are the items given by friends who were moving, and wanted to pare down. Almost all of my things have been handed-down, given, or gifted to me. I know my home is simple and modest, and that's the way I prefer it to be. I like to give rooms some space to breathe in, and decorate sparsely. The things I have, though, I dearly treasure. The items surrounding me are drenched with history. I find beauty in all my things, most of all in their stories. I love to look around my home and realize how truly blessed I am with what matters most - relationships. In my home I feel at peace, and I feel loved. It is for me what I most wish a home to be - a sanctuary and a refuge.

How do you relate to the things in your home? Do you also have some treasured items?

in this new place

2011-07-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

I don't have a single photo to share. In fact, I don't even know whether or not we've unpacked the camera yet, or where it might be. We are successfully living in our new house (renting, that is) in Atlanta. Our neighborhood is great. I can walk to the farmer's market, a shaded playground, a vegan bakery, a cafe, the library and post office, and my best friend's house. I love being in walking distance of pretty much everything!

I am missing my friends in Chattanooga, however. I wish they were here with me, then it would all be perfect. And of course my dear ones from Missouri, as well! Who doesn't want all of their best friends together, with them, all the time?

In the excitement (read: stress) of moving, I have not been writing. Not here, not in my trusty journal. Where is that thing, anyway? I'm still spending some time each day unpacking, and cleaning, and rearranging things until they make sense.

It is strange to be back here. I lived in Georgia for 12 years of my life, then married and moved, and have spent 5 years away. Now that I'm back, with kids, and as a new person myself, who has grown and changed immeasurably in these 5 years, everything is familiar yet it is different. Friends and places that were here when I left are still here, yet they have changed as well over the years. I was invited to a party with some of those old friends and I felt immense anxiety at the prospect of seeing them. There are parts of my life I'd rather leave in the past. However, other old friends are popping up to say hello and I feel incredibly pleased. It is almost like meeting them all over again - people change so much, truly we are changing every minute.

I have also been using this big change of location to spur on other changes. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll just say that our fridge and pantry are healthier than ever. Hopefully as the dust settles, my writing will take on a life of its own again, and I will be curious to see what changes come about in my writing, in this new place.

What changes are you experiencing right now?

step by step

2011-07-04T13:01:00.000-04:00

We are moving from this home to a new one in less than a week. I cannot actually believe it, though there are signs all around me that things are changing. The boxes pile up as the refrigerator empties. My house is looking sparser and cleaner than ever.

My mind is racing with to-do lists and the possibilities of a new house, a new city, a new beginning. Times like this morning, when I walked the dog in the early sunlight, with a cup of coffee in hand, taking it step by step, times like that - are truly healing. Letting go of the grabbing and list-making mind, and just being present in the actual moment. Hearing the birds and cicadas, feeling the tug of the dog on the leash, sipping the coffee.

My temper has been easily lost these days. As the stresses of moving mount, and I begin to contemplate leaving my dear friends here, my mind grows fuzzy and my words sharp. I am trying to begin each morning with some mindfulness, so that I might find that quietness, and more easily calm down when disaster (or just loudness, messiness, etc) strikes.

What measures do you take to keep calm when you are feeling anxious?

weigh heavy

2011-06-28T13:38:00.003-04:00

I normally don't share writing from my journal, but this is an exception. My friend was senselessly murdered by strangers (and mere kids, at that) several years ago. It was in late summer, and so every year as the heat rises, so do memories of this friend. I can think only of him lately, so that's what I've been writing about, too.

For a group of kids in the southeast, this time of year begins to weigh heavy on us. We're not kids anymore, I suppose, but in my mind we will always be suspended in time, back to those days when we were young and foolish, and every day was an adventure we took on together. Some people would discount those days due to the haze of drugs and late nights that seemed to fuel the friendships we were forming. But through the years, as we moved past the drugs and the long summer days, our friendships grew with us, and outlasted the years of our youth. Today most all of us are still close. Trials have tested us, and some of our ties have loosened from the burdens of the years, but even if some of us are not as close, we would surely say we are inextricably linked, because we all had Brett. And we all lost him, too.

Most of the world never met him, but for those of us who called him friend and brother, we were changed by knowing him. Let me tell the rest of you out there about Brett Lanier. He was a fantastic musician. He wrote piles of songs - the music and the words. His lyrics were sharp with wit and heart-pricking emotion. Upstairs in his parents house, in a carpeted office room over the garage, Brett sat for hours, folded in an origami shape as he bent over his guitar until it came out right. He loved listening to music with the same ferocity as he loved creating it. He drove a green - almost turquoise - pickup truck and when he arrived at his destination would sometimes stay in the cab, listening intently, until the song ended. He had conversations about music - picking it apart to see what made it work so well. He contemplated meanings of ambiguous lyrics and pondered construction of bridge and chorus.

There was a lot more than the music that made him special, of course. He was kind and thoughtful - a great ally. He'd pick you up if you needed a ride, and always shared what was his with you. He would meet you for coffee and teach you what he knew about writing lyrics, even if you were half crazed on caffeine and nearly living at the diner. What I mean is, and I'm sure you know this to be true - it's impossible to capture him in words. As my memories slip and slither and I try to grasp just what it was that made him him, I can't.

As the summer ripens and we are all covered with sweat, and nostalgia hangs thick in the air, our minds turn to Brett. It was in the summer that we spent the length of our days together - an unstoppable gang of misfits, dirty hippies, and wandering souls. Wherever we went, our tribe took the shape of the place - anyone could see that we belonged to one another. And so now, in the summer, when we memorialize his unfair and untimely death, we mourn for the part of us that is missing. Our friend, our brother in spirit, lives on inside our hearts. We carry his legacy with our stories of his life, and together we can remember him wholly. He will always be our Brett, the kid we miss the most.

enjoy every drop

2011-06-17T20:11:00.001-04:00

As summer rages on, things that have begun to grow are now taking off at a quick clip. Our time here in Tennessee is coming to a close. We are moving to Georgia in a few weeks, that's it! I can't quite believe it. I am looking forward to the change, and to living just one mile from my best friend; Jamie and I have not lived in the same city for nearly ten years. I'm excited to see how our time together unfolds, and I look forward to growing alongside her, once again close in proximity. I'm also a little scared of moving, to be honest. When we moved here I experienced a deep depression that was difficult to overcome. Counseling helped tremendously, and at least now I know that if I find myself in a dark place again, I can always seek help.

This week we celebrated Evelyn's first birthday! I made a birthday banner, and completed it at 10pm the night before her big day. I love this little girl - it is fascinating to see her personality blossom. Mothering is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be, and its joy runs deep as well. I experience such moments of presence and wholeness, watching my baby pull to standing, or listening to Finn learn to craft sentences. It is incredible - the humanity, the learning, the growing, the trying, the frustration, sadness, and exaltation. These tiny beings experience it all so greatly, and they are wise teachers. I also find it humbling and enlightening to hear my words come back to me from my son's mouth. There are definitely some spots that I need to work on, I realized when I heard him say to his sister, "baby, that's terrible!"

Life is abundant now, in summer, and as a parent of young ones. Now is the time of rampant growth and uncontrollable yearning. I look forward to the times ahead, when the river won't rush quite so fast, but I'm also trying to enjoy every drop as it passes.

What's growing rampantly in your life? What are you enjoying?

what could have been

2011-06-12T20:05:00.001-04:00

I must have jinxed myself on that last one - talking about writing. Shortly thereafter I took a too-long writing break. I am still trying to get out of that funk, and struggling terribly. I'm reading a great book, which you might think would be encouraging, but it scares me. How does the author do it? What were the steps? This book is so well-written that I fall into it effortlessly and stay submerged, living a double life, catching some air to cook food or tend to my children, but all the while longing to get back to the characters and the story.

I can only hope to one day write something that amazing!

Meanwhile, my life in this town is wrapping up as we prepare to move next month. We are moving just two hours away, into a big city. We have only lived here one year but I am reluctant to say goodbye to some wonderful friends. To think that our friendships are only just beginning - what could have been!

Of course I know it's no good to ruminate on the what-ifs. Instead, here's a look at the fun we've been having lately. Hiking, going downtown, and playing in our home.

unearth

2011-05-22T14:14:00.003-04:00

For anyone wondering about the project I was rambling on about in the last post, here are the long and short of it. The long: a book. The short: writing every day.

The dream that I have is to write. It is also the very core of who I am, though I think I've been in denial for most of my life. As a child, I loved writing. I tore off covers of books and filled them with stories of fairies, forests, and so on. I wrote about world peace! I was idealistic, a bit of a dreamer, but very serious about my writing. Somehow in the last half of my life, my writing has sadly dropped away. At some point I began doubting myself, my writing, and everything in life. I became cynical. I consider myself an optimist, but it's hardest to be optimistic about my own dreams, I find. I've decided to pick it back up, because if I don't strive for my dreams, who will?

I'm reading a couple books by Natalie Goldberg, and she's instilling courage in me and the willingness to write even when I don't want to, even when I feel I have nothing to say. Which is most the time. As for the short of it - writing every day - I'm learning discipline. As for the long of it - writing a book - I'm a far way off, but am hopeful for the eventuality.

As I go along, writing everything I know and imagining what I don't, I unearth so much. Memories I had hidden away come to the surface. Things I didn't even know I remembered are coming up and surprising me, tapping me on the shoulder. I talked to my mom today and unearthed some painful parts of my (and her) past. I am fascinated by digging for the truth because it is such a huge job, and because it feels magnificently important. Also, it's fascinating because we all are unearthing, constantly. Learning about our past, about who we are now, who we were then, and who we might grow to be. We are learning about the world, material and spiritual. We each unearth, as if digging blindly and heroically, without ceasing.

What are you unearthing these days?

build it nonetheless

2011-05-10T14:05:00.002-04:00

There is a nest coming together just out the door. A few weeks ago, I noticed a male and female red finch checking out some prospective real estate at the top corners of my front porch. Their loud chatter would draw me to the window, and I'd pull up the blinds to see them. Usually they noticed the movement and flew away. I decided to try to lie low, honored by their attention to my lowly abode, and allow them to build a home of their own. I would only sneak a peek as I walked outside, pretending not to notice if I saw one of them perched in a corner. Each corner acquired a collection of stems and leaves, but then the next day I would find them scattered on the ground below the corner. Finally they chose a corner and committed to building an entire nest. It seemed to go up quickly, and then it was my pleasure to spy on the birds coming and going to and from their little home. I wondered if there would soon be tiny chirps amongst their adult chirps.

Then the storms came. If you were watching the news or listening to the radio, you know about it already. Tornadoes, high speed winds, tons of rain, even hail. We lost power for half a day, not bad at all compared to others who lost it for over a week. The day of the storms I noticed it gone, I cried out in surprise. Something in my chest tightened and I set out in the driving rain to look for the nest. I found it on the grass, face-down. I didn't want to disturb it, but I had to make sure. I turned it over - no sign of eggs. I checked under bushes and tore apart the grass with my eyes - no sign of eggs, not even broken ones. I silently thanked the powers that be and studied the intricate nest before putting it on the edge of the porch.

It struck a note with me, and I pondered how much my life was like that of the birds. I set out with an idea or a project, a goal in mind. I spend hours, days, months trying to get the particulars right. Sometimes the idea dies right there, and I wave goodbye with a "so long, sucker!" attitude, because the idea was too high-maintenance or I didn't have the means or know-how to put it into action. Other times the idea begins to come together. I work hard to weave it strand by strand, reinforcing the weak bits and insulating the parts meant to sustain and support me or others. As the thing draws to a finish, a storm comes. It is something I could not have known about or seen coming, yet it comes anyway, and ruthlessly it destroys the very thing I worked so hard to build. When this happens, I rarely come back to it. I usually let it fall apart and go back to the meaningless pieces it had been before the weaving. Sometimes, with a little self-encouragement, I can find the courage to continue. The idea I'm currently reviving is in its beginning stages, as small unrelated pieces. I have no idea how it will ever come together, or what will be birthed in me and my life if it does manage to come together.
But I'm going to try to build it nonetheless.

After the day of storms was over, the nest was nowhere to be found. I did not see the birds for nearly a week, and worried that they might have left altogether. To my pleasant surprise, they returned. For the past few days I have heard their lively talk as they perform the same ritual as before - choosing a corner for the nest. Each day I marvel at the corner full of twigs, and then I see them on the ground. They are beautiful. I wonder where the birds find this particular flower and why they choose it over others. I anxiously await the quick build of the nest, and hope that soon after I will see a guarded mother bird and hear tiny, joyous chirps.

little steps

2011-05-08T16:47:00.000-04:00

Great journeys begin with just a couple small steps.
At least, that's my mantra this week. After reading "Radical Homemakers", discovering Corbyn's blog, and taking stock of my life, I pulled out my notebook and sat down to write out some lists.
I decided to go ahead and put it down on paper, which was both thrilling and terrifying. I wrote in careful handwriting: Dreams/Plans for the Future.
So much of what I wrote seemed that it could only happen in some far away distant time, so much so that I felt hesitant to write some of my goals, such as having goats. In an effort to lift my heart and strengthen my can-do spirit, I looked at my list and wondered what I could do right now. I remembered my tiny, contained garden on the front porch - my two tomato plants and one basil, who needs a bigger container. I decided to buy more seeds and soil, and to grow more. Then I came up with the make-shift clothesline on the unused back porch. I did a load of cloth diapers and hung them up in the sun, and felt good about my little steps.

sitting pretty

2011-05-03T22:14:00.003-04:00

All signs point to: privileged. Above average, blessed, wealthy by many standards. As a white gal born to a middle class family in the United States, I am exceedingly privileged.

Natalie recently talked about the privilege she and her husband have in choosing a job. My husband Scott and I are similarly blessed. He is a nurse and for the time being, it's a job in high demand. It still takes some work to find an opening that fits his wants and needs, but the mere fact that he has choices and is able to land a job at a good hospital is incredible. While so many people are going without, whether as a result of the recession or because they are already in poverty, I am sitting pretty with my nice house, electricity and central air, working vehicle, food budget, etc.

Tonight I found Corbyn's blog, and have been devouring every single post of hers, as if it is the only thing that will sustain me. She documents the changes her family has made as she lost her high-paying job and had to give up everything - cable, internet, gym membership, health insurance, car. Her family survives on a combination of WIC, food stamps, and dumpster diving. They ride bikes everywhere, no matter the weather. What's most surprising is her attitude. She is full of humor and (there's no other way to put this) realness. Here's a post she wrote recently on her shareable.net blog. What she has found instead of financial and material resources are what she calls "social resources", and that is exactly what I was getting at in my last post.

What's most important are the things that have fallen by the way-side - relationships with family, friends, neighbors. Sharing, supporting, loving, and giving in every way possible to those around us, in a safety net of arms. I want to strip away the things that keep me from real life, and dig down deeper to tend to the roots of the relationships in my life.

I feel that I posed the question to myself: what do you want? What are your dreams? And the answers are coming pouring in. There are things I want that are uncomfortable, like community. Do you know how vulnerable it feels to depend on other people? There are things that I want that will take some initial investment, like a rain barrel or some hens. But I want to work hard for a life that is more sustainable on every level, and a life that benefits not only myself and my family, but those around me as well. I want to live a life that gives more than it takes, and that can let go instead of holding on. I don't know where to begin, really, but I'm sure that as I continue to ponder the path from here to there, I will figure it all out with plenty of mistakes and with the depth of wisdom that only experience can provide.

the life I want

2011-04-30T21:22:00.002-04:00

We have friends in town right now. Scott's college friend Josh and his two boys are staying with us for the weekend. The day before they came into town, Wednesday, our area of the country was struck with many tornadoes. We were blessed to survive unscathed, while huge trees fell down all over the city, downing power lines and destroying homes. Mere miles away, the destruction was even worse. Houses were missing off of hillsides, and people lost both their homes and their neighbors.
My neighbor Sara and her partner went to help with chainsaws the next day, and left their kids with me. Another friend, whose house was blessedly left standing but who had 8 trees in her yard fall, also dropped her kids off with me that day. I spent all day playing with six kids, making sandwiches, putting babies down for naps, and generally enjoying myself. As the day ended and the kids cleared out, Josh and his boys came into town.
Taking care of all these children, friends and neighbors in my house has stirred something in me, and I couldn't quite figure it out until I started reading "Radical Homemakers" by Shannon Hayes. Her book discusses the worth of domesticity (not just of women), the value of having a life centered around a home, feminism, and community. I'm only 49 pages in but am certain that this book is changing my life. It is validating and putting words to a movement within myself I've not yet put words to. I knew when I decided to stay home with my kids that it was the right thing for me, yet I've struggled to find meaning in it, living in a society and culture that only values the exchange of money. I want to self-actualize, and have considered going back to school, and trying to pursue something outside the home, but it just doesn't feel like what I truly want. Now I am beginning to understand a vision of the life I want.
I want to work in my home. I want to garden, make things from scratch, sew and mend, build and grow. I don't want to do it alone. I want a community of people who want the same. I want to barter with them, and exchange our knowledge and crafts.
Now I see why leaving Columbia was so hard. I was building that community. I was beginning to build a large circle of friends who all together created a wealth of knowledge and skills. Gardening, sewing, canning, fermenting, baking, building, repairing. Together, we could do it all, and eschew the consumerism that drives our society. As I go forward in life, I will seek community where ever I may land, and I hope to build it as I go.

moss and smooth stones

2011-04-26T14:40:00.000-04:00

Easter was great this year. Finn's basket included a wooden egg painted with chalkboard chalk, chalk included, made by a dear friend of mine. It also had a yellow bird felt finger puppet, that I made during a sudden surge of creativity. Another thing to come out of that creative surge is the little toy I made for Evelyn's easter gift. It's simple - a circle with some layers of quilt batting and crinkly plastic inside, and rimmed with tabs of ribbon to chew on and feel. She seemed to enjoy investigating this new thing.
Then we headed outside to hunt for some eggs. I only put one chocolate covered cranberry in each egg, knowing that Finn would be pausing in the yard to eat his goodies. As you can see, Scott and I were armed with coffee.
The best part was the hike. We loaded up kids and dog, packed up some sandwiches and apples, and headed to a quiet hiking spot. Scott and I were grumpy with one another (cause unknown) but as we arrived, unloaded, and began in on the trail, the mood changed. The fresh morning air cleared us out, and we began to spot inchworms and mushrooms and wildflowers along the path. We hiked higher, coming to a forested waterfall. We crossed and climbed higher, going through a natural stone cave, or short tunnel, rather, and came out on the other side to follow the stream upward. We turned over rocks and found a salamander. We spotted millipedes. We touched moss and smooth stones. We laughed as our dog went for many swims and came back to shore to shake water all over us.
After coming back home and taking a nap, we spent some time eating with our family.
The day ended with baths and snuggles, and story time.
A beautiful day spent mostly in Tennessee wilderness, in the springtime. I couldn't ask for better, but I do hope the morning hike becomes tradition!

How was your Easter? Did you start any new traditions?

heal what ails you

2011-04-19T13:58:00.000-04:00

I don't have any fun photos to share this time, but I would have had some if I'd taken the camera with me to the yard today. Imagine this - two mostly naked babies, playing in a tub of water in the grass. That happy image would heal what ails you, at least it did for me.
This morning I was in a bad place. Not feeling the best physically (had a stomach virus over the weekend that still has me a little weak feeling) and trying to hold it together emotionally. That didn't exactly work, and twice I ended up falling onto my bed in tears and frustration, to "take a little break" as Finn calls it when he heads to his bed to shed some tears. I cried a little bit, looked at my kids, and tried again. Then I became frustrated and overwhelmed all over again and repeated the cycle. I had plans to try to get out of the house, and do a little shopping for a few things that we need. Instead, I gave up on it and made some sandwiches. We ate and then stepped out onto the porch. Something was telling me that if I could just get outside I would feel better.
We sat on the porch for a while, and the sun warmed my bare arms. The recycling truck came by and Finn jumped with joy and waved and said "thank you!" as it took away our recycling. Finn got the recycling tub and brought it back to the porch, it was filthy. So we gathered rags and soap and took it to the side of the house, put it under the spigot, and began the process. If you have ever played with a toddler, you know where this is going - naked! Inside the tub! Splashing! Jumping out and rolling in the grass! And if you have played with a baby, you could guess about Evelyn, too - wanting to be like brother! Naked! Inside the tub! etc, etc.
Watching those two play while I sat on the grass and soaked up the sun just warmed my heart right up. It dried out the seemingly endless well of sadness and despair, and brought joy to me. I remembered the blessings in my life - two happy and healthy children, a home, running water, warm sun and soft grass. And it definitely cured all that ailed me.

Have you been surprised by the way a day turned around? What cures your ailments?

little spring trip

2011-03-31T13:04:00.000-04:00

I'm back from vacation!
My mom flew in from Iowa and we spent some time in South Carolina visiting family, then headed to the beach for a few days. Being with my mom again (it's been 8 months) was simply wonderful. I feel our relationship has changed and grown so much over the past few years, and I am so pleased with the closeness we've acquired. She is also a great help with the kids, who dearly love their Nana.
This trip to visit family was just what I needed. I spent one memorable evening staying up past midnight with my Grandmom, talking about the old days. I drank in the details of her childhood, trying to imprint her words in my mind. This information is sacred because it is personal to her life, and also because it can provide some fodder for future writing. I learned such fascinating things, and am amazed at the amount of change she has seen in her 79 years.
I took a few pictures of her home to document her special attention to details.

As I grow older, and also as my kids grow, I find spending time with family to be very important and fulfilling. This little spring trip to see my family and grow my relationship with my mom was great!
What fun things do you have planned for the spring?

my favorite corner

2011-03-12T14:08:00.000-05:00

Something that will always brighten my day: a surprise package in the mail! Thanks to my sweet new friend Barbara, I received this beautiful package. She does incredible work, and she sent me a little painting of a moth. I had been loving that moth from afar on her etsy page, so I am especially delighted to find it in my own possession! She also sent me a handcrafted bookmark that has pieces of paper and fabric on it, completed with stitching and the letter "J" for my name. Thank you so much, Barbara, for brightening my week and my home with your sweet gifts!
Here's the moth in his new home.

I've had my nose (and mind and heart) stuck in this book lately. It has been the soil for many new, positive, and healing thoughts.

Oh and for those who have asked, here is the valentine that I made for my sweet husband. I want to frame it and hang it up in our bedroom somewhere.

And if you need me, just look here. My favorite corner of the house, perfect for reading, thinking, and napping. I plan on taking it easy this weekend, in preparation for some time with family next week, and some time at the beach, too!
What do you have planned this weekend and upcoming week?

child of illusion

2011-03-10T20:39:00.000-05:00

It seems that times of growth and change can be so difficult and often painful. I have had a difficult month, and that's why I haven't written. Though writing is my long lost love, and I know it is ameliorating, I often push it away in hard times. This year has just begun, yet I know it is the beginning of something special for me. I decided to begin truly appreciating life and thriving. This is my life, I realized, and if there is something I want to do, or make, or give, or see happen, then I need to do the work required to bring it to fruition. Though life is short, fleeting, and perhaps this lifetime is one in a million past or future lives, it is important and I do not wish to let it slip by. I read that you can view life one of two ways: as though nothing is a miracle, or as though every thing is a miracle. I would not consider myself a believer in miracles, but I appreciate the gist of this statement. I want to live as a child of illusion, taking it all in with wonder and curiosity. Backing away from my labeling mind, which constantly wants to judge situations or thoughts or people as "good"/"bad", and instead just coming at the world with an open mind.
I feel that when I decided to start living, truly living, a seed inside my heart and mind began to grow. As if on cue, a tiny tendril began to push against the surface. It hurt so much and it stirred all the dust and ancient hurts up, but still it pushed. That tendril broke through when the surface could not take the pressure any longer. The surface cracked, allowing the tendril to reach up blindly, pushing for more light.
Now I hope to water that seedling, and to nurture it. I wish to encourage it on its journey. What this means in real terms for me is that I would like to begin nurturing my spirit, in many different ways. Creating is at the core of my (and your) being. I would like to create more. I would like to write more. I would like to give more. And I would like to love more.
I often whisper sweet things to my baby, specifically "you belong", and I'm beginning to realize I also need to whisper that to myself. Because I believe that is what we all want, is to belong, and we do belong. We belong here, in this life. We can find purpose. We belong here in this moment. We can learn to take it in, and to be still long enough to really experience that peace and belonging. This is what I hope to learn, and to experience, and I hope this also for you.

becoming brighter

2011-02-15T22:01:00.001-05:00

I've been quiet here lately, but I'm just enjoying life and working out some thoughts. The weather is slowly warming up and the days are becoming brighter.

I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day, but I'm beginning to warm up to it. After all, between a husband who surprises me with flowers and my favorite dark mint chocolate and my two tiny valentines, what's not to love?

quitting perfectionism

2011-02-07T20:57:00.002-05:00

Perfectionism is a disease, in my opinion. It's a disease because perfection is unattainable, yet that hasn't kept me from trying. Not that trying is all bad - the right amount of trying is great. However, I tend to take it to extremes. I often get stuck in the trap of all-or-nothing thinking, and I push myself way past healthy trying, and straight into perfectionism overdrive. It is not pretty, nor is it healthy for me or for anyone around me.
Now that I'm a parent, I have realized that what I do matters. It matters for me and it matters for the kids, because they learn from me. If they see me pushing myself for unattainable heights or belittling myself for not reaching those heights, they will learn to do the same. I'd like to just go ahead and break the cycle.
Humans make mistakes. I am a human and I will continue to make mistakes my whole life. I won't ever be perfect, so I might as well quit pushing for perfection!
Here's a great article about the disease in general.
And here's a wonderful one on perfectionism in relation to parenting, specifically.

Am I the only one trying to recover from perfectionism?
How do you embrace all the non-perfect stuff in life?

soaking it up

2011-01-29T20:30:00.001-05:00

Today the temperature reached 67 degrees and we soaked it up as much as possible.
While the kids napped Scott and I sat on the porch. I worked on a little sewing project and he studied for the GRE. The weather was so nice we decided to cut his hair. There was a lot to cut, believe me. He has thick, black, curly hair that was nearly to his shoulders. Though if I do say so myself, he looks pretty darned handsome with his new short hair. His hair was short when we met, so perhaps I will always favor it on him.
After the kids woke up we headed downtown to a park, where everyone and their neighbor was out playing frisbee, walking their dog, and letting their toddler run free. We followed suit, and enjoyed the day.
Days like this, that come during the winter but are so convincingly spring-like, really lift my mood. Today got my mind wheels turning, and I came up with lots of ideas for writing and crafting. Here's hoping that tomorrow will be just as beautiful as today.

growth spurts

2011-01-26T21:32:00.001-05:00

This week has been one of packages coming in the mail. The one above is from my dear friend Natalie who sent me this sweet box of goodies. In the jar is homemade hot cocoa mix. This box also contained some homemade marshmallows, but Finn and I made short work of them, immediately making hot chocolate and plopping the marshmallows on top.
I received packages from two other friends as well, I was giddy with excitement over such snail mail action. Really, what could be better than getting a box in the mail from a dear friend who lives far away?

On the weekend we drove 2 hours and spent a couple days with Scott's mom at her house. After dinner on Saturday night I left and went to sit with the lovely Jamie, my best friend since 9th grade, and we drank wine with friends and chatted late into the night. The best part was spending the night on her couch, tucked in with my wee one, and waking up and having coffee with her. I wish all mornings could start that way. The two of us, old souls and old friends, drinking coffee in the pink morning light, snuggled up on the couch with blankets and my smallest baby.

This week has also been one of contemplation and growth. I feel I am moving in a new direction lately, and it feels invigorating. I am feeling more confident and comfortable with myself. I think these emerging emotions are the fruit of the dark season I've just come out of, one of the darkest of my life.

Growth is hard, but inevitable, and often bears beautiful fruit.
Have you gone through any growth spurts lately?

a silent check-mark

2011-01-19T21:14:00.002-05:00

I don't want to leave anyone hanging about the cake, so here goes: I did not bake myself a birthday cake this year! I might still, you know, for my birthday week.
Yesterday was my birthday and between 8:30 - 8:45am my dear friend Rachel brought me a banana coffee cake. That's right! Cake before 9am! That's my kind of a day. Then, closer to 9:30am my sis-in-law Lindsay brought over a bread pudding that her husband made. She put it into bowls, drizzled the icing on top, and stuck a candle in it. She sat our boys down at the table and everyone sang (as well as toddlers can) "Happy Birthday" to me.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully but wonderfully so. I met with a group of women I'm getting to know. All the kids played noisily in Grace's house while us moms sat in the living room chatting and helping the occasional kid with getting into a costume or peeling a tangerine. That evening I was having a terrible sinus headache and didn't want to cook, so we ordered pizza from my favorite place. Scott brought it home with an armful of flowers.

The facebook birthday wishes came rolling in and I felt well-liked and grateful for many good friends in my life. I truly feel different. Just a little older, somewhat wiser. It feels like a silent check-mark, or the gentle flutter of a book page. I am becoming more accepting of myself. I am experiencing the world in a calm, appreciative way. I am learning to be aware, content, and joyful.

I just feel grateful to have made it this far!
I've lived my share of darkness and self-medication, and I'm happily learning new ways to get along in this world. May this year be a wonderful year of growth and light for you as well as for me.

never met a cake I didn't like

2011-01-15T12:30:00.000-05:00

My 27th birthday is right around the corner, and I haven't given half a thought yet to what kind of cake to make. I better get to it!
Last year I made this beauty.

It was a fig and crystallized ginger cake with a lemon cream cheese icing. It was so incredible. I wanted it to be just perfect, and it lived up to my desires. I put a lot of thought into planning this cake, altering my fig cake recipe with the leftover crystallized ginger I had in the pantry, and tweaking the cream cheese icing I use for carrot cake with lemon juice to complement the fig flavor. This cake takes time to make, because you first have to make fig jam. But that's exactly what makes it so moist.

The year before I made something simple. I made Molly's adaptation of Edna Lewis's Busy Day Cake. Then, not wanting to ruin it with icing (I'm actually not a big fan of icing, though the previous photo may have made you believe so) I just topped it with some simmered mixed berries. And it was melt in your mouth amazing.

Even before I baked from scratch, way back in high school when I was into a different sort of baking (wink wink), I liked to make cakes. I liked to surprise unsuspecting friends with a birthday cake every now and then. I enjoyed being the girl who brings the cake to the party.
When I took on the endeavor to bake and cook from scratch, I continued to make cakes for friends, but they got better. This one is a pretty little number, made for my friend Mimi.

I especially love planning and making my own birthday cake, because it's for my birthday. Which means it can be whatever kind of cake I want. That's exciting! But also a bit of a chore, because I like pretty much any kind of cake. In fact, I've never met a cake I didn't like. In case you ever wondered where the name of this blog came from, perhaps it would help to know that I just love cake in general. And I love to make cakes for no particular reason. Here are a few of my favorites.

fig cake

french yogurt cake with tangelo glaze

standby fresh apple cake

Needless to say, it's not that I haven't planned my cake for lack of options. Rather, lack of time and quite honestly, lack of care. This year so much has been going on that I haven't put much thought into my cake, but I better start planning right now.

What kind of cake do you like to eat on your birthday?

Say goodbye

2011-01-14T13:49:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard of Miranda July and her art project of web assignments? She worked on it with Harrell Fletcher, another amazing artist. It is called Learning To Love You More. They are no longer taking submissions but I think they are good assignments to do on one's own, for learning, growing, and laughing purposes. So today I will do the last assignment, assignment #70 - Say goodbye. Why not start at the end, right?
Besides, saying goodbye to old stuff is perfect to do in January. Or February, if you are Chinese.
The rules are as follows (taking exactly from the website, hence the quotation marks):

"Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye. It just feels easier to keep holding on. But in the long run it's usually a good idea to let go, it's the daring thing to do. It allows room for new things, for transformation. And maybe the goodbye isn't even forever, but you can't know until you really say goodbye and mean it. In some cases, goodbye is really the end, and good riddance! For this assignment, say goodbye to all the things you need to let go of: bad habits, dead people, alive people, ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, self-destructive feelings and behaviors, jobs, projects, re-occuring thoughts, etc.Write it as a simple list:
Goodbye Bill.Goodbye wetting the bed.Good bye interrupting people when they are talking.etc.It can be as long or as short as you like. And, most importantly, take a moment with each one to really say goodbye. This isn't a catalogue of your fears and faults, this is a ceremony to bid them farewell. Please don't send us HELLOS, only goodbyes."

I did this assignment last year (ha-ha, last month is also last year) but I'm going to do it again, in public. Here goes.

Goodbye nasty head cold.
Goodbye negative self-talk.
Goodbye guilt.
Goodbye clothes that I no longer wear.
Goodbye passive aggressiveness.
Goodbye old, terrible relationships.
Goodbye judging others.
Goodbye self pity.

I think that's it for now. I felt pretty naked writing that stuff. As you can see, I have a lot of things inside of me to kiss goodbye.
What do you need to say goodbye to in your life?

here's to 2010

2010-12-31T22:54:00.001-05:00

A little recap, Natalie style.

January 2010 - month of the bread pudding.

February 2010 - month of the never ending single digit weather.

March 2010 - month that Scott begins to play banjo, bringing music into our home.

April 2010 - month of weather warm enough to dry clothes on the line. And green grass!

May 2010 - month that I graduate, and go on a retreat with some favorite women.

June 2010 - month that Evelyn Jane is born.

July 2010 - month of much outside time and nakedness. Also, packing up to move.

August 2010 - month of moving from Missouri to Tennessee. And month of unpacking.

September 2010 - month of long lasting hot days finished off with easy dinners and beer.

October 2010 - month of bonfires, friends, and neighbors.

November 2010 - month of cuteness. Getting settled in and enjoying family time.

December 2010 - month of icy rain. And a beautiful Christmas tree.

Here's to 2010 - filled with much joy and much sadness. Joy and sadness are the storms that course through me, but I hope to continue to seek the stillness within, and to see each moment clearly and with gratitude.

putting the day behind me

2010-12-31T21:57:00.000-05:00

Ever have a day when you hate yourself, your life, and you just want to drink yourself to bed? Luckily, those don't come often for me, but today I was gifted with this sort of day. And to my credit, I only had one glass of wine, though to tell the truth, that's all that was left in the bottle.

photo credit

What could be so terrible? Well, I perpetually overspend on my grocery budget, I cannot for the life of me get/keep this house clean, and today my kid pooped on the floor and refused to nap. I was so mean to him, and I saw it happening. I tried the nice-mom thing, I really did. I laid in his single bed next to him and closed my eyes, showing him how a person takes a nap properly. But he didn't catch the drift. After some cuddling he began to clobber me with his stuffed cat, so I promptly left the room, slamming the door shut to show how frustrated I was. I heard him immediately jump out of his bed. I told myself to be calm and figure out a way to deal with his non-napping, and instead I stormed back into his room and told him to get in that bed and stay in that bed! For unknown reasons, this demand did not make him feel any more inclined to sleep.
It was my fault, I over-shot the opportune nap window and he was past tired and unable to sleep. I feel guilty and ashamed with myself for the tantrums I subjected him to this afternoon. And it was my fault he pooped in his room, because I shut him in there. Now wait, before you call child services on me, he was not asking to get out of his room, he was happily playing by himself until he yelled out "Big poop, mama!" at which point I opened the door to learn that he was right, there was indeed a big poop. Right there, on the floor.

I know how trivial it all is in light of the world's problems. I know that I live in privilege that I have not earned. But dammit, I had a hard day. So I gave myself some grace, and let the kid watch much more Go, Diego, Go! than would normally fly around here. I also let myself run late on making dinner so that I could take that over-tired toddler to a playground and go crazy.
I am reading a book titled "Self Esteem" (go ahead, make jokes, I do it every time I pick it up to read it) and I am learning that we all have an "inner critic". That's the voice that says "you are stupid! why did you do that? stop acting like an idiot" etc. I am learning to catch the critic in the act, and to be prepared to disarm that critic by saying more reasonable things in response. Basically the book is teaching me to talk to myself, making me perhaps more crazy than I already am, but I will say this - it's helping. Today when I was all out of patience and kindness and I was crying in my bed, hiding from my kids, my inner critic pounced on me with all sorts of labels and demeaning language. Instead of completely believing the critic, I fought back, and I started to feel better. By 5pm I was enjoying a glass of wine and making dinner, and putting the day behind me.

Are you able to have grace with yourself when you're having a hard day? What helps you cope?

ten minutes to writing

2010-12-20T14:21:00.001-05:00

photo credit

"Finally, one just has to shut up, sit down, and write." I did just that.
I am reading "Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within" by Natalie Goldberg. It is not the first time I've read a book on writing, but it is the first time I've taken the exercises seriously. I am reading this book as if it were my class, and I am doing the homework. Natalie talks about the discipline of writing, and how it feels like a battle. She says you can just give ten minutes to writing, but you have to do it fully. You sit down with pen and paper, you set the timer for ten minutes, and you go. You write. This is the scary part. You just write, that's it. That is so frightening! I am scaring myself silly writing those words. Why is it so hard to write? I must be scared of something else, because writing isn't scary, is it? It is. I have things inside me that are ugly. They are not politically correct, they are not kind, and they are not quiet. They are impolite, they have terrible table manners, and they hate your outfit. These are the things I am afraid of, because they are unpredictable. They might barge out with all their rudeness and off-putting looks, and they might be seen. You might see them and not like me. Heck, I might see them and not like me.
Well, I read her words on writing and I got real scared. Then I sat down and wrote. And bad things didn't come out! That doesn't mean they aren't in there, because I can assure you that they are in there, but at least today they are behaving and letting out things that are a little nicer. I won't share what I wrote here, because it's not good and I'm just doing it for me, but I will share with you that I was frightened. But I did it. And that feels like a major accomplishment.

slow foods to ease sadness

2010-12-08T14:07:00.000-05:00

A best friend of mine and her boyfriend came to visit over the weekend. I have had such a hard time since moving here 4 months ago, and they knew I needed cheering up, so they drove on over. It's close to a 10 hour drive, so they took Friday and Monday off for traveling, and graced me and my family with their presence for the entire weekend.
We talked and talked and talked. We played Scrabble and drank an enormous amount of tea. We cooked meals and played with my kids. I didn't take a single picture, but I was trying to drink in every moment as best as I could, because I knew that on Monday morning when they departed, sadness would overcome me again. And it did. Just as my dear friend Natalie is experiencing a difficult season of life, so am I. I am sad more often than not, and I am even angry sometimes. Moving to a new place completely uprooted me. I miss my community of friends and neighbors more than I could have imagined. And if that town weren't so transitory, I might wish to move back.
However I know this season will pass. Something that helps with the grief I feel is to cook. I'm not sure why it feels so soothing. Perhaps because I can completely involve myself in something else for awhile, and forget everything. When my friends left on Monday morning I spent the rest of the day cooking slow foods to ease sadness. I put the black beans in the crockpot and checked them occasionally. I made two loaves of whole wheat bread. I cooked my very first from-scratch chicken stock. I made a big batch of brown rice for the week.
Because my mood had not improved my Tuesday morning, I kept cooking. First thing in the morning, before I had even eaten breakfast, I made two loaves of pumpkin bread. In the afternoon I made black bean soup for later in the week. And for dinner I made chicken and biscuits.
I will keep cooking, and hopefully the grief of so much change will fade away.

How do you ease your sadness?

wanting wholesome health

2010-11-23T13:22:00.001-05:00

I have found myself, lately, wanting wholesome health. I want strong immune systems for myself and my family. I want a chemical free clean, inside our bodies and inside our home. I want homemade and handmade as much as possible. All of these things are beginning to come together in my mind as a grand vision of health and wholesomeness, and I see myself at the start of a lifelong journey in wellness.
I came down with a cold recently, and instead of taking any sort of over-the-counter medicine (which I rarely do, being generally opposed to medicine) I checked out a book from the library on herbs. I had never given herbs much thought but while visiting my good friend Rachel I noticed a bottle of sweet echinacea drops made for kids. I asked her about it, and then did a little more research, and bought some. I read about the ancient history of using herbs for healing, and decided it is a good route for me. Since I am already opposed to medicine in general, and don't usually take anything but prefer to suffer through illness, why not use herbs? When used correctly, they can't do harm, but they can certainly help my body to heal.
Deciding to begin using herbs led my mind onward to the idea of using food for optimal health. We eat pretty healthily around this house, but I had never considered food as medicine, per say. I took the usual nutrition class in college, so I had previous knowledge of vitamins and minerals in foods, and I am considered by friends and family to be "healthy", but I suppose it had just never clicked exactly the same way it did recently. Now I am seeing a bigger picture of health - including activity, fresh air, a clean but chemical-free indoor environment, clean food and herbs for health boosting.
I have just found an incredible online resource for health and nutrition - Passionate Homemaking
I also bought a book on kids and herbs, which includes great information on tell-tale symptoms for common kid ailments such as sore throats, colds, and the flu. It also gives instructions on using herbs to soothe symptoms and hasten relief and recovery.
I must admit that I am a bit apprehensive of telling family and friends of this choice, because some people I know will not be persuaded by the healing qualities of foods and herbs. I must remember, however, that I have good information on it and that ultimately it is my choice, and not anyone else's.

Do you ever use herbs or food to boost your immune system?

simply magical

2010-11-01T13:27:00.000-04:00

How was your Halloween weekend?
My kids are too young to care, so I got a "freebie" and did not attend a single Halloween party, nor did we trick-or-treat. I don't dislike Halloween, but I'm not that into it, either. Usually coming up with a costume is more stressful than fun, so I enjoyed evading the usual parties.

Instead we spent the entire weekend with friends and family. On Saturday night our hosts served up chili for friends and neighbors. We sat around a huge table and enjoyed conversation and Mary's incredible pumpkin bread pudding topped with caramel sauce and chopped hazelnuts. I think I died a little, in a good way, when I ate that bread pudding. It was simply magical.
Saturday before dinner was spent with friends at the Guthrie Pumpkin Farm. The kids loved it! We did the hayride, saw and pet farm animals (the piglets and calves were my favorite), got lost and found again in a corn maze, and picked out the perfect pumpkin.
On Sunday we took it easy and hung out around the house, then joined our friends for dinner. Our hosts set up tables outside in the yard atop fallen leaves. It looked so homey and rustic, and I wished desperately that I had brought my camera. We drank wine and ate delicious food, and the kids fought over toys and took turns on the tire swing.
It was an easygoing, splendid weekend. I had the chance to reconnect with my husband, my family, and my new friends. It looks like Tennessee isn't that bad, after all.

How do you reconnect with your family and friends?

tumbled down

2010-10-15T21:17:00.000-04:00

I know that in my previous post I said I was not hopeless. Somehow, I tumbled down that slippery slope and spent at least 2 straight weeks feeling hopeless. I am happy to say that I have recently emerged and am feeling less depressed, overwhelmed and lonely, and more or less content. With only occasional deep pangs of loneliness. I am slowly making new friends, I repeat, slowly. I have come to realize/remember that new friendships are hard work. You want this person to get the truest, best impression of you. You sometimes struggle to think of questions to ask, or stories to share. On the other hand, there are friendships that spring up like a well from the ground, and simply pour forth, without any effort. I am experiencing both kinds.
Then there are the friendships that are so old they need some dusting. Last week a very dear friend of mine came to visit. We have not seen one another for seven years. In the time between we have each lost friends to sudden, violent deaths, we have ended unhealthy relationships and started better ones, we have moved twice each. We have kept in loose contact, with infrequent emails and even more infrequent snail mail packages. We once were great pen-pals, but our communication had trickled off.
When she came into my house, everything was the same and it was different. She was taller than I remembered, but the way she spoke was just the same. She had stories with new names, and tales of new places. Our conversation was easy, though, and I felt nothing but comfort when talking with her because she knows me. She has known me longer than most anyone, besides my family. She held my children and we laughed, because who would have thought our lives would end up where they are now?

As the weather cools off and the new friendships grow, I find we're spending more time on tire swings, and around bonfires. Both are excellent simple joys, and reminders of all the other joy in my life that will take my breath away, if only I allow it.

but not hopeless

2010-09-30T21:00:00.001-04:00

This Tennessee life is wearing me down this week. I have been missing Missouri so much, and harboring secret fantasies about moving back, and being with my friends again. The thing about that town, though, is that it is so transitory. Most people come for college, and move afterwards. Many of my best friends had already left before we did, and within a number of years my remaining friends there will probably leave as well.

My mom made her first quilt, and she made it for us. It is so sweet, and so loved

Oftentimes I feel lonely and overwhelmed. But not hopeless. I still find beauty in my days, and am constantly amazed by the growing and learning taking place in my children. I feel pride in my clean house and cooked, wholesome meals. And I'm so glad that Scott is happy here, back with his friends, finding things to be involved in and ways to get to know people. Meanwhile I just keep networking, and cooking, and playing with kids, and eventually things will get easier.
I've found the perfect pizza dough recipe, which has made homemade pizza so easy! We actually had it twice last week because it's a great way to use up random things in the fridge (feta, spinach, sausage).

My friend Ivy made her first batch of homemade jam - blueberry rhubarb. She is new to cooking, and as you can tell she is very brave! I have been cooking for at least 4 years and have not yet attempted anything involving jars or pressure cookers. As soon as the jam came in the mail, Finn and I ripped open the package, toasted up some homemade bread, and slathered it up. So delicious!

Our new friend Rachel made this amazing dessert - honey chocolate mousse! With freshly whipped cream and chopped macademia nuts. If you're going to be making new friends, this is the kind you definitely want.

Somewhere between the food and the babies, I know I'll begin to feel better. This cool fall weather that's blowing in is helping, too.

What do you do when you feel down?

a spark of something

2010-09-08T20:47:00.000-04:00

For me, a trip to the farmers' market quenches my thirst for life. Everything there is in season, it is bountiful and beautiful. Today I stopped in at the little Main Street farmers' market that runs on Wednesday afternoons. I only took $20 to discourage myself from overdoing it, and I ended up spending less than that, but I made away with great stuff! Figs, sunflowers, tomatoes, green peppers, two cinnamon crisp apples, a huge bunch of basil, and a yellow zucchini.
I'm especially happy with the figs and the sunflowers. Sunflowers are Scott's favorite flowers and it made me happy to bring some home for him. Especially after watching The Hours last night and ruminating over that first line of Mrs.Dalloway: "Mrs.Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself."

And as Virginia Woolf felt a spark of something when she realized she had a first sentence, I too have been feeling a spark of something. I have always wanted to write, always dreamt that someday I would write a novel, or who knows, a book of short stories. The older I get, and more immersed in things-other-than-writing, the more that dream fades away with other girlhood fantasies. However I still harbor a secret yearning to make writing a discipline, if for no other reason than to see if anything comes of it. By now I feel insecure in my creativity, and can't imagine how I could come up with anything to actually write about. But recently I have had some ideas come forth from their shadows, and I am gathering them up, brushing them off, and trying to spend a little time thinking about them, developing them.

But let's get back to figs. I won't take a photo, because quite frankly I don't have any skills in that arena and there are already plenty of wonderful fig photos on the web. But just relive it with me - the green cardboard pint full of figs. The first bite, soft and seedy, savory even. Rather mellow but enchanting. Oh, figs.

the most enormous joy

2010-08-26T12:50:00.003-04:00

Evelyn, just a couple months ago.

Today I am feeling some exquisite pain that I have never really felt before. It is an unusual pain and I call it exquisite because it is coupled with the most enormous joy my heart has ever held. It is the pain/joy of motherhood.

Finn, one year ago.

I was just surfing Facebook, befriending some women I just met this morning, and I saw a photo of someone's kid. A boy, probably six or so, and he looked a little like Finn. His eyes were dark brown and all of the sudden it hit me - Finn will be this big someday. He will grow up into a sweaty, wild boy. Into his own person. One day he and I will not be intricately intertwined as we are now. And I just started weeping. Big, heavy tears.

Finn, now.

This emotion is something other mothers may be familiar with, but it is new to me, and it is both terrible and beautiful. This fear and pride of allowing my children independence, and knowing that someday they will be their own.
With this feeling bubbling up, scraping my heart on the inside, I have to remember to cherish these fleeting moments. Holding my sweet little daughter close to me, smelling her milky skin. She and I are still just one being, pretty much. Her degree of need is high, and I sustain her. I relish our time together, because before I know it she will be on the brink of 2, like Finn, and wanting independence more than anything. For now, though, she is completely mine.

Evelyn, now.

a little more like home

2010-08-22T14:19:00.005-04:00

Lately I have spent too much time not living. I have spent days at a time feeling disconnected from myself and others. I waste time online, reading blogs and feeling inspired, but then doing nothing with that feeling. It may be because I am new in this town, and save my sister-in-law I have no friends. Or maybe I disconnected a little when I moved, saving the sadness of leaving for later. That later is now. Now I acutely miss my friends and my town.
Missing the extremely well developed and organized farmers' market back in Columbia, I stopped in yesterday to a local farmers' market hosted by Grace Episcopal Church. I love that they find a connection between faith and food. In general I am impressed with the Episcopal concern for a healthy planet and healthy people.
I barely made it, but I met five or six producers and came away with some beautiful, fresh food.

I also spent hardly any time online yesterday and today, besides writing this update, in order to reconnect. I am feeling a lot better overall and am excited to recommit to my goals. Nothing huge, just goals to live simply, to buy handmade and local, to make most things from scratch, to enjoy the small pleasures.
And though I desperately miss my friends, especially Natalie and Jessie, every day this place feels a little more like home.

a lot of learning

2010-08-08T15:08:00.004-04:00

We've successfully moved to Tennessee! It feels unreal but here we are, unpacked and beginning to explore this wonderful city. It is an entirely different move than the move to Missouri four years ago. This time, we have family living here, so we have built-in friends and tour guides as well. When we want to go check out the free concert by the river, we just caravan with them. They know where to park for free, after all. And when we need someone to help watch the kids, we call them. They call us to let us know about the specials around town, but they also give us space to let us learn for ourselves. And there has been a lot of learning going on!

Evelyn has learned to look in my eyes and smile and coo at me. It's pretty incredible, as she's morphing from baby-blob to actual interacting baby.

Finn has been learning how to take turns and how to work things out with his cousin and new best friend Eli. It's great to watch those two interact. They are a year apart in age, but they clearly adore one another and get along wonderfully most of the time.

My husband and I celebrate our four year anniversary today, and we learn more every day how best to love one another. We keep learning and re-learning to trust the other's heart and intentions - that they are good. We learn when to speak and when not to, and what to say. We learn about one another's dreams and goals, and we work to fulfill them. We learn to parent together, and to create a home together. Ultimately, we learn to walk together in love.

you belong

2010-07-08T15:27:00.005-04:00

Summer is definitely here! Fresh, ripe tomatoes, hot and humid weather, kiddie pool in the yard, and oh yeah, baby Evelyn has arrived.

I was 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and wondering if anything would ever come of it, and low and behold I went into labor. Labor was short, it was hard work, and yes it was painful, but it was also completely natural and without drugs, it was beautiful and ended in a natural high, and it was life-changing, because it brought Evelyn into our family. She turned 3 weeks yesterday, and she is more beautiful every day. I often whisper into her ear "You are perfect just the way you are. You are so loved. You belong." The sorts of things that every human longs to hear and hopes in his or her heart is true.

Finn and Scott have been playing in the yard a lot. Finn is loving the kiddie pool and Scott obliges Finn's wish to have bubbles blowing constantly.

Meanwhile, we are all gearing up for the move to Chattanooga. I can't believe our time in Missouri is actually coming to a close. We knew when we moved here that it would be temporary, but then we got down to the business of school and work and building our family, and now it seems almost a surprise that our time here is complete, and we are ready to move on. Leaving is bittersweet.
We have made so many friends, and discovered an incredible locally powered community here that I almost cannot bring myself to say goodbye. Yet our time ahead is sweetly calling. And in our new place we will be close to family, and closer to mountains and rushing rivers. Our kids will grow up in the south, like we both did.

As the days of July pass and dwindle, we count down to saying goodbye, which is heart-breaking in both ways - sorrowful and joyful.
I am spending many moments practicing the art of savoring life. Trying to truly soak it in: summer flowers given as a gift from a friend, meals prepared by loving hands, conversations with friends dearly loved. May it all live on in memory, and in the heart, even when we have said goodbye.

summer as it slowly sinks in

2010-05-28T16:22:00.003-04:00

Oh I am so overdue for an update! Here goes!
School is out for summer. School is out for (potentially) forever. I graduated with my bachelors degree, a general studies degree with three main components: art, english, and education. I graduated with honors, which was quite a feat if I do say so myself, pregnant with a toddler! This past year has been my hardest, academically, but I pulled through and am now officially done. It feels wonderful.To celebrate my mom and stepdad came into town and we had a big feast.

I went on a camping trip/retreat with some of my favorite women. We stayed at 'the holyland' and camped out in a huge tipi and spent all weekend eating fruits and veggies and swimming naked to escape the heat. It was blissful, and renewing. It helped ready me for the journey up ahead - labor.

My husband Scott and I have been having some great days together, and really enjoying the summer as it slowly sinks in. This is the first time in our marriage that we are both out of school. He completed his second bachelors (in nursing) last summer, and so we are loving this new found time together! He works on weekends, fridays through sundays, so the rest of the week is ours. We've been doing lots of housework, readying the house for the new baby. We've also been doing a lot of relaxing, and playing in the dirt. Many afternoons and nights we walk downtown and enjoy some locally made ice cream! This is the best summer!

Like I said, labor is fast approaching. I am 38 weeks pregnant - full term - so the baby can come anytime she likes. It is the lull before the big change in our lives. I'm sure there will be ups and downs to expanding from 3 to 4, and possibly growing pains, especially for Finn, but I am so excited to meet our new family member.

bittersweet is the word

2010-04-21T14:58:00.002-04:00

I don't have many thoughts in my mind right now. That is something to be grateful for considering my past week or so has been so thought-immersed. The semester is coming to a close and I am finishing up papers and studying for final exams. I graduate in a month. It's been a long, strange trip but I wouldn't change it. It's shaped who I am now.

In two months the new baby will be born. This pregnancy has flown by and as it comes to an end I feel excited about meeting the person who will complete our family.

Our time in Missouri is coming to a close. Bittersweet is the word that fits - how I will miss the community we've found here. These four years have been the building blocks of our marriage and some of the most formative years of my life thus far. In late July we will be moving to Tennessee to continue our journey.

I can't wait to see how our life continues to unfold!

revived, renewed

2010-03-26T21:02:00.002-04:00

As per usual, time has flown and I haven't posted an update. Right now I am on the verge of spring break - my last spring break - and am immensely excited about it. Everything in my life is changing once again, and it's both exhilarating and terrifying. Our time in Missouri is coming to a close, and we're looking forward to the new baby and new town we'll encounter this summer.
And Scott is learning banjo. I love hearing music in our house!

Finn is a year and a half old now, and it's hard to believe. Having this relationship is incredible, I must say that it boggles my mind to experience mother-child love from the side of the mother, as opposed to the child. We have so much fun together, and have so many tender moments. I often idly wonder of the tender moments lost in time that I must have shared with my own mother. I feel like the keeper of memories because I know he will never remember these times.
Spring is finally here! It feels so good. The sunshine is a tonic for my spirit. I feel revived; renewed.

right around the corner

2010-02-28T12:20:00.003-05:00

My life as of late has looked a lot like this. Frosty outside, cozy inside. Slow mornings with coffee and my family, my dog sitting in the sun. The christmas cactus bloomed, just a couple months behind schedule. Muffins have been baked. And cards have been embroidered.

I can feel it in the air, though, that winter is almost at an end. It has been the coldest winter since we've lived here. Actually, it is reported to be the coldest winter this town has experienced for 30 years. And it was obvious! So much snow, and so many days where the temperature did not rise into the double digits. It has been hard having a busy toddler who brings his shoes to me at 7.30am demanding "go! go!", desperate to play outside. You just can't explain hypothermia to a one and a half year old, trust me.
I've been swimming in schoolwork lately. Not drowning, mind you, not yet. I've kept my head above water and will attempt to do so as the papers and exams pile up week after week. It is my last semester so I feel hopeful even while occasionally feeling overwhelmed. I just drink a lot of tea and try to stay on task.

Other than that, the weeks are just marching right along. Speaking of weeks, I am currently 25 weeks pregnant, and definitely appearing so. In a way it feels like June is a long way off, in another way, it feels like it is right around the corner. I am excited for our new family member!

It seems my winter fog has been lifting, and I have been feeling more active and more alive. I feel a stirring within me to get outside and get moving. I feel encouraged by the sun that's been showing its face, and intrigued by the crocuses popping up all over the yard.
How are you feeling as winter slowly turns to spring?

fall by the wayside

2010-02-05T21:17:00.006-05:00

It's that time again - that "update because I feel guilty for not updating in so long" time. Sorry! It seems that I cannot juggle 5 college courses, full-time motherood, and regularly updating a blog. One had to fall by the wayside, and I guess it had to be the blog.

I had a birthday. I am now 26. I deliberated for days over what kind of birthday cake to make for myself. Some said I shouldn't make my own, but what do they know? If you make your own, you get to make whatever kind of cake you want. So that's exactly what I did. I ended up making a ginger-fig cake with lemon-cream cheese frosting. I don't mean to brag, but it turned out just perfect.

The night before my birthday, after the cake had cooled completely, I assembled it and frosted it. I actually felt nervous! I didn't want to mess up. I don't know why, but it was exciting to feel nervous over icing a cake.

It's been cold here and sometimes Finn and I feel stir crazy. We play outside at the park or swing on the porch swing when it's above freezing, but when it's below freezing we stay inside, or terrorize the local Barnes and Noble. Sometimes when we're stuck inside, Finn stares longingly out the window. It's pretty sad.

I think we've picked out a name for the baby due in June - Evelyn Jane. At least, it's at the top of our list right now. It still feels so strange to be pregnant again, especially while finishing my last semester. I wrote an essay for my Sociology class on violating norms - and I wrote that I violate a norm everyday by attending undergraduate classes while pregnant. I got a 100%.

In craft news, I have begun to make some Valentine's cards. I have never been a fan of the holiday, but I am a fan of embroidering card stock with embroidery floss. I'll take a picture soon and show you what I've made. Until then, so long.

a hundred bread puddings

2010-01-07T20:52:00.004-05:00

As per requested, here is the recipe for this amazing bread pudding. I will give you the original recipe (that I adapted from who knows where). It makes a huge pan - 9x13, which is perfect for potlucks. You won't have one bite left, I promise.
Today I just made a smaller pan, so I cut everything down, roughly by a third. But it was pretty rough, so I feel it's best to give you the original recipe.
The thing about this pudding . . . well there are so many great things. The bread toasts on top, so it has some crunch. Another great thing is the custard that soaks into the bottom of the pudding. It is eggy and sweet. My favorite thing about this pudding is that you can adapt it however you like. I love to make it with fresh or dried fruit and some kind of nuts. I like throwing in chopped chocolate (or chocolate chips, if that's what's on hand) when the fruit is something like dried cherries or fresh cranberries. If the fruit were banana and/or raisins, maybe you'd leave out the chocolate and just go with walnuts or pecans. You can leave the cinnamon in or not use it, to suit your flavor profile. You can turn this single recipe into a hundred bread puddings.
So without further ado:

Bread Pudding
12 - 16 slices day-old bread (or use a loaf of ciabatta or whatever), cut or torn into chunks
4 Tbs butter, melted
6 eggs, beaten
4 cups whole milk (or half and half, if you dare)
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
2 tsp ground cinnamon (optional)
2 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 cup (approximate - use more or less as you like) of any assortment of fruits, chocolate, and/or nuts*

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 9x13 glass pan. Fill pan with bread chunks and drizzle with melted butter. Sprinkle your chosen fruits and nuts over the bread.
Mix eggs, milk, brown sugar, cinnamon (if using) and vanilla together. Pour this mixture over the bread. Use a fork to push the bread down to make sure it all gets soaked with egg mixture.
Bake for 45 minutes, or until the top springs back when lightly tapped. If the top is browning too quickly, tent aluminum foil on top and continue baking.

*the pictured bread pudding has fresh cranberries, chocolate chips, and slivered almonds in it

a new place to call home

2010-01-07T13:55:00.003-05:00

The week of Christmas we moved into our new place. Riding high on pregnancy hormones I completely settled us in within a week. We stayed in town for Christmas, celebrating together as a family, first drinking coffee and opening gifts, then eating bagels with cream cheese and smoked salmon. We took a walk in the blustering cold, then decided to stay in and drink hot chocolate for the remainder of the day. It has taken no time at all to feel at home here, we all love it, even our dog Rufus who has a fenced in backyard to rollick around in.

This winter has been unusually cold, even for Missouri. Tomorrow the high is just 5 degrees! I am hoping and praying that this is our last full winter in Missouri. We keep talking about moving when our lease is up - December 2010 - and that would get us out in time to miss the coldest part of the year. Please, oh please.

In baby news, Finn is almost 16 months old. He is walking, using the signs that we've taught him ('more', 'help', 'dog', 'all done', etc). He really tries to communicate, which is so fun and sometimes challenging. He is just beginning to show an interest in imitating words, so he's been saying "ball", and "boo!", and "thank you", which does not sound like "thank you" at all, but it's pretty cute. In other baby news, I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant, at 20 weeks this pregnancy will be half over. It's really flown by this time, with classes and a toddler. In a couple weeks we'll find out if it's a boy or a girl.
Meanwhile, being snowed hasn't been too bad. Scott made his first batch of soap. It just finished curing so we're handing out soap to all our friends. I have to say, it really turned out perfectly.

And this winter hasn't been as sad as others. Maybe it's that we've found a new place to call home, and it suits us rather well. Or perhaps because I have Finn in my life now, and another baby on the way. Though the days are short, and I spend more days inside than outside, I have enjoyed this winter. I have cuddled with my sweet husband under two comforters. I have eaten incredible clementines every day. I have spent lots of time with very good friends. And I have noticed particularly beautiful sunrises.

joy during the winter

2009-12-03T13:02:00.004-05:00

I almost began "I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted!", but in all actuality, I can believe that.
School is the main dish on my plate right now, with large helpings of family and pregnancy as sides. This pregnancy has been very difficult for me emotionally and mentally. I am still trying to embrace the fact that I am pregnant.

Meanwhile, it's turned into winter.
I have been noticing the bare trees, stark against the cold blue skies. I have been feeling depleted in every way, and sometimes feel I am struggling to make it through the day. I cannot help but to look forward to someday leaving this place, though I know that no matter where I live, I will still be who I am, and still struggle with the same things.
Winter is usually a mixture of two things for me: quiet reflection and wonder, and depression. The cold brings both clarity and a longing to withdraw into myself. The snow and empty branches feel both bleak and enlightening.

But there's also the joy. I feel joy when I'm warm in my winter scarf and hat, and crunching through the snow. I feel joy baking lemon scones and drinking tea in the afternoons. I feel joy in giving, and in loving.
What brings you during the winter?

the temperature diplomat

2009-10-29T21:37:00.005-04:00

My head is muddled with gender and sexuality issues. I am loving my Women's and Gender Studies class, because it challenges my thoughts and I find that I am not alone in many of my life experiences and my observations.
That said, how are you?
Autumn seems to be coming to a close around here, with the leaves once brilliantly aflame in the trees resting now in puddles of cold rain water. It's windy and rainy, without much sunshine lately. I've been suffering the dry heat of the thermostat. Anyone who knows me well knows that I live with a ridiculous heating situation in this old house, and the temperature in my apartment is contingent upon keeping the entire (big! drafty!) house at a temperature that doesn't leave too many residents angry. The only thermostat is on my floor, making the me temperature diplomat. It's a hard job.

In other news, Finn is walking! Did I say that last time? Because now he's really getting the hang of it. It is so strange to see your baby (toddler) walking, trying to talk, and causing general chaos around the house. Especially since this baby was just a wee, helpless being not so long ago. From what I understand, this is only the beginning.

Did I mention that he gets into absolutely everything?
He has such joy in life!
I really don't have much to say in the way of food, which is sad because that's how this whole blog came to be, really, but oh well. Oh! Last week we had a wonderfully simple and delicious dinner with Luke and Natalie. Perfectly cooked chicken, roasted herbed potatoes, ciabatta with butter and a great fall salad full of fruit, dried cranberries and sliced almonds with a homemade honey dijon dressing. Are you drooling? It was fabulous! So fabulous, in fact, that I recreated it for one of our meals this week. Thanks to those two love birds for a recuperative visit and lots of inspiration, meal-wise and otherwise!

That's all for now. Thanks for reading this my friends. I may be inconsistent at best but I have a lot of heart! And hopefully this week will bring chocolate chip cookies - now that's something to blog about!

the quiet inside

2009-10-19T14:43:00.003-04:00

Because my life has been devoured by school, I have not updated recently.

But today! Today! Be still my heart. Today it is "sunny, warm and windy" as forecasted this morning on the radio. 70 degrees, windy, beautiful blue sky, cascading yellow and orange leaves. Need I say more? It is the quintessential fall day - just perfect.
And I have some news to announce: I'm pregnant.
It feels good to have this happy secret today, when all is right. In other news, Finn has just started walking! He gains some momentum and takes a bunch of steps, arms high in the air for balance, before falling on the ground and smiling triumphantly. What a fun age!

Like I said, school swallowed my life, so I don't have any photos today. I'm sorry - I really wish I did. But I have had so many tests and papers lately that I haven't had time for much else. I didn't even get to the farmers' market on Saturday, which is a travesty in my book.

So I am trying to re-cultivate that quiet place inside me that seems to have disappeared lately due to all the hustle and bustle of life.
How do you maintain the quiet inside?

swamped with fresh food

2009-09-13T12:18:00.007-04:00

Ah, the end of summer. Finn and I were lucky enough to accompany my mom on her vacation, to the beach. This was taken at Isle of Palms, an island off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina. It was Finn's first time at the beach, and he loved it!

Now that we're back, I'm swamped with homework. And fresh food.
Like local apples! Which called for an apple cake.

I have been doing many things in way of procrastination - laundry, baking a cake, meal planning, even making homemade toothpaste. I'm procrastinating because I have so much homework. I have so much homework because I'm procrastinating. It's a vicious cycle.

Thankfully, I have a blog I can turn to for even more procrastination!
And something to blog about - my green goals. After reading Vanessa Farquharson's "Sleeping Naked is Green" I am brimming with ideas for how to "green" our family life. Here are some goals I'd like to achieve:
- replacing our toothbrushes with Preserve toothbrushes
- when our laundry detergent runs out, go natural
- and more that I can't currently remember

In other news, the farmers' market has been bustling with the most amazing late summer/early autumn harvest. This is what we made away with this week. Note the garden peach tomatoes, a personal favorite! As well as Missouri pecans, half the price and twice the quality of grocery store pecans. Also blackberries, raspberries, arugula, bok choy, cucumber, zucchinis, basil and parsley, fresh flowers, two sweet potatoes, and a lonely red bell pepper.

With tons of produce, I've been cooking quite creatively. Here's the ratatouille I assembled, right before sliding it into the oven to roast.

Here's the plum tart I made for all the elephant heart plums that were on sale at a local natural foods store.

And here's Finn, checking out our pumpkin. This year I'm doing something new - buying a pumpkin purely for the purpose of eating! If we do make a jack o lantern this year, I want to eat it, too. It's silly to waste a pumpkin like that. And pumpkin is too delicious to waste!

What are you doing differently this year?

becoming inspired and challenged

2009-09-06T11:44:00.003-04:00

The summer has flown by, and I don't want to jinx anything, but it seems to me that autumn is beginning to grace us with her presence. The temperatures have cooled enough to leave windows open all week, and late summer/early fall produce is making an appearance at the farmers' market.
My summer was a flurry of book devouring, house cleaning/rearranging, vacationing, and preparing for my return to school - to complete my final year of undergraduate college, thank God.
Right now I'm reading "Sleeping Naked is Green" by Vanessa Farquharson, author of Green as a Thistle blog. In her book she documents one year of small changes to her life - green changes. She makes one change a day, which ends up being an overhaul to her entire lifestyle. I'm adoring this book, and becoming inspired and challenged to make small green changes to my life.
I want to make some new rules in my life, easy ones to begin with, such as no more styrofoam. That should be easy, considering I almost never encounter styrofoam. Another thing we can do is to consume locally brewed beer from reusable, recyclable glass containers. I'm slowly running paper towels out of our house, as well as incandescent lights, over-packaged food items, and anything that contains harmful or questionable ingredients, such as shampoo. And when our toothbrushes bite the dust, I can replace them with eco-friendly ones. Maybe I won't be turning my fridge off in the near future, or selling my car, but I can try to make other changes.
For the sake of brevity (or is it too late?) I'll stop here.
In short, I am excited to challenge myself and my family. And in other news, Finn is almost one. year. old. Obviously, I cannot believe it.

rambling along

2009-07-15T13:56:00.004-04:00

A lot has been happening!
The garden is rambling along. No spinach to speak of, but the tomato plants are looking hopeful. One large, green tomato is growing bigger by the day. Many other blossoms are visible, but have not yet turned to tomatoes.
A volunteer butternut squash plant has shown up in the compost. At least that's what I think it is, and if so I'm in luck, because butternut squash is my favorite.

I made bread twice recently, using the recipe from the incredible River Cottage Family Cookbook. This cookbook also has a recipe for homemade butter, which I drool over every time it crosses my mind.
Jamie came to visit, and we had such a wonderful time together. Here she is, lovely as always.

Finn's been eating blueberries by the bucketful, and also wearing them.

He's also learned how to pull to standing, and has been practicing every second of the day. He's a very busy young man.

And I found a new way to wash dishes, which has changed my life. I don't have a dishwasher, so I hand wash, which wastes tons of water. Then I came across this article, which tells you how to wash dishes using the least amount of water possible. I'm a convert! In fact, this whole website is very helpful for anyone trying to make little changes to better the health of their body and the environment.
The next exciting thing is Scott's actual graduation from nursing school and our subsequent vacation to Michigan!!! I am so ready to visit Jenny and co. and spend a week living their super hippie, laid-back life. Then it's back to the books for me, to complete my last year of school.

dream kitchen

2009-07-02T10:58:00.004-04:00

This is not a post, really. It is my wish list for building my dream kitchen. Also, I hope to refer to this list when people start wondering what I might like for Christmas, because when people ask me I can never remember the things I had noted to myself earlier in the year.
Here goes.
- an instant read (digital) thermometer
- a wooden spoon, preferably bamboo
- a microplane zester, maybe
- bamboo cutting boards

how we spend our lives

2009-06-28T20:29:00.005-04:00

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." - Annie Dillard

Think about that for a minute.
I found that terribly inspiring and convicting quote over at Jessie's sweet little blog. Thank you, Jessie, I really needed that wake up call.
There are things I want to do! Not "some day", because we know that means "probably never". Instead, I want to seize the day and do things I want to do today, and every day.

Here are the things that have been on my mind to do lately:
make no-knead bread (this want arising from our family going through nearly two loaves of bread a week)
make homemade butter
make a quilt! (I've been wanting to do this since the winter, and just realized a day ago that I should do it now, before fall classes start)

In fact, speaking of things I would like to do, here's my list of resolutions made in February. Now I have to stop pretending that I never made that list.

This post is more of a mind-bleed than an update, but I will not leave you without posting a photo. First, my happy breakfast of spinach, zucchini, and eggs. Second, the summer scarf my mother in law mailed me.

straight from the bag

2009-06-26T21:27:00.003-04:00

I have fallen into a deep well and cannot, nor do I wish to, come out from it. It is called "Anna Karenina" by Count Tolstoy, and it is incredible. If ever drowning was pleasant, it would be now. It has consumed me so deeply that I have devoted my evenings to devouring the well crafted novel and have only made a batch of cookies here and there, instead usually resorting to stove popped popcorn or just chocolate chips straight from the bag.
So, dear readers, I apologize.
That said, here are some photos to chronicle the rest of my life, as of late.
A neighbor's slowly ripening blackberries:

The lime bars I made for my dear (and pregnant!) friend Jessie:

The lasagna I made to freeze for the same dear, pregnant friend: (it took every last ounce of willpower to not eat this)

My sweet bath time boy:

What I consider the perfect afternoon snack - home made whole wheat biscuit with butter and Natalie's freezer strawberry jam:

And a blurb of good news: the sunflowers are blooming! Scott's and my long lost (yes, it's almost been three whole years!) wedding photos have turned up and been sent to us! my sweet mother in law sent me a summer scarf! (it's ikat - I guess it's back in style) AND I visited Audrey Kawasaki's page and she has new stuff up!
It's a great week!

books and food and all things good

2009-06-13T11:11:00.005-04:00

Just something quick, to let you know what's going on.
Last night two beautiful Natalies came over and we enjoyed wine with peach apple cake, delicious natural vanilla bean ice cream, frozen blueberries and mint leaves.

We each had seconds. We talked about books and food and all things good.
A few days ago I finally made that peach upside down cake.

I don't have much current news - I am reading "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy, and I love it so far. I have a penchant for Russian novels, their wordiness and detail oriented descriptions leave me breathless.
My mom mailed Finn this toy car. We put the batteries in and he was terrified, so we took them out and now he likes it just fine. He can't get on it by himself but once he's up there he does a great job of balancing. He'll even pick his feet up to be pushed around the house.

I just can't believe how the time is flying. He will be 9 months next week. Soon he'll be a year old. He is already looking like such a big boy. He is such a joyful and social baby. Everyone comments on how happy he is - it's true. I am lucky to be a parent to such a sweet boy.

The garden is doing fine, save for the aphids on the tomato plants and the unknown critters eating the potato leaves. The purple cone flowers look like they might bloom in the next week or two, and I've spotted a head coming up on a big sunflower plant. I'm sure they'll make quite a show, just like last summer.
And for my final bit of good news - I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Sure, my whole body is different, and rearranged, and (gasp) saggy compared to my old body, but I'll take it all - because I have something great to show for it!

a grand compliment

2009-06-05T20:10:00.003-04:00

First of all, I love this toddler t-shirt.

Now that that's out of the way - how are you? I'm doing well, I think I'm on the upswing of the past few weeks, when I've felt mostly depressed and/or angry. I'm not an angry person, by the way, but a severe lack of sleep can most certainly transform the most cheerful of dispositions.
But let's talk about cake. Remember the cake question? Well, I wanted to use raspberry jam for the filling with some fresh raspberries on top for decoration. My plans were foiled, because first there was no raspberry jam left at the farmer's market. So I chose "triple berry" because it included raspberry. Then when I went to the store and bought organic raspberries, I found when I opened them the next day that they were moldy - every single last one. Actually, that's not the first time that's happened. It seems they can't ship a load of organic raspberries without ruining the whole batch with mold. Whoever they are.
So I took the moldy berries back and chose strawberries instead. It came out lovely.

A few cake eaters proclaimed that it was the best cake they had ever had, which is a pretty bold statement if you ask me, but also a grand compliment.
Other than Mimi's birthday bbq and Scott's new schedule - weekend nights (7pm - 7am) in preceptorship - not much else is new. Besides, of course, Finn's antics. He's just becoming such a little boy. He's crawling like crazy, and making new noises. He likes to crawl around in our bed in the mornings, and come right up to mine or Scott's face, and make this *click* noise with his tongue. Then he smiles proudly at his new noise.
Because I can't leave without sharing this picture, here it is. My men.

strawberry or raspberry

2009-05-29T21:14:00.004-04:00

I apologize for my lack of posting! Not that I have a huge following . . but I do like to keep my loved ones updated. I just haven't felt inspired lately, I suppose, though I have been busy.
I visited my mom for a week, Finn came along. We had so much fun! Shopping, the zoo, a tiny inflatable baby pool, more shopping, many meals al fresco; it was a revitalizing mini-vacation. Scott stayed home, walked Rufus regularly, and ate God knows what for dinner.
Oh, and my mom and I found this gorgeous antique cake stand at an antique shop my mom frequents. It is begging for an upside-down peach cake, and I have promised it one next week. But the first cake to grace the cake stand will be my dear friend Mimi's birthday cake. She has requested chocolate cake with chocolate icing, and who am I to deny her? I will use local jam in between the two cake layers, I just have to decide which to use - strawberry or raspberry. I'm looking forward to indulging in chocolate butter cream frosting. Oh my.

In other news, Finn is crawling! I rearranged the kitchen and made him a "play cabinet". It's full of fun things like washed clamshells - you know, the ones that greens come in at the grocery - ice cube trays, mixing spoons, wooden bowls, etc. He loves it, and it's perfect to keep him in sight and away from the stove while I cook or wash dishes.
Here's the juicy triple berry crisp I made that lasted less than 24 hours. It would be an enormous understatement to say that it turned out pretty good. Too bad the photo quality doesn't convey that.

Back to the cake dilemma . . which jam would you prefer in between the layers of your chocolate cake - strawberry or raspberry?

things with lemon

2009-05-19T15:35:00.006-04:00

Another week has flown by. My love graduated Nursing School! Well, he attended the ceremony. He still has summer classes however. But his graduation ceremony meant we had family in town and I, for one, love my in-laws. So it was a grand ol' time. A few days before the family arrived, I happened upon an incredible deal at my local natural food store.
When life hands you half off lemons . . .

you make things with lemon!!!

Lemon bars, lemon almond biscotti (not pictured - I used Dorie Greenspan's Lenox Almond Biscotti recipe and added lemon zest), and lemon scones (Molly's Scottish Scones with Lemon and Ginger).

We also attended a graduation party for the nursing students and I brought along Paula Deen's Gooey Butter Cake. Gooey Butter Cake originated in St. Louis, and now that we're living in the midwest, we find it at almost every coffee shop in town. Scott loves it, and since it was his graduation, I made it.

Today the baby and I will be going to visit my mom, who lives 5 hours away. We're leaving Scott and the dog at home, and we'll be missing them sorely. On a happy note, though, I'll get to spend some time with my brother, who's about to deploy to Qatar. Omaha zoo, here we come!

we had a picnic planned

2009-05-13T23:16:00.004-04:00

My week has flown by!
Here are the highlights:
- a lightning storm
- an indoor picnic featuring iced tea, chicken salad in pita pockets, fresh veggies, and chocolate cake with wine soaked strawberries
- an impromptu bbq with burgers, brats, roasted potatoes, pasta salad, and strawberries
- a mother's day dinner cooked by a friend, and for dessert peach champagne sorbet with fresh bananas and blood oranges
- tie dye
- a new game where Scott builds towers of blocks and Finn knocks them down
- new vacuum cleaner

And coming up:
- Scott graduates from Nursing School on Friday!

practicing cherishing

2009-05-05T21:18:00.003-04:00

I am sorry, but I don't know if I have any photos to share today.
But I do have some links!
At the craft club on Thursday, we did this. Our shirts came out awesome.
Today on NPR I heard Mo Willems' interview with Michele Norris. Mo talks about how adults don't draw, because they realize they aren't good at it. He makes a good point - you don't stop playing basketball (or doing whatever other hobby) when you realize you'll never make it professionally. He encourages adults to draw, because when you are drawing, you are empathizing.
So I did a little doodle.

I suppose I do have a photo, after all. Here's Finn with Natalie.

And today I've been contemplating the act of cherishing.
With Finn so young, but the days and weeks already slipping by so quickly, I've been practicing cherishing him. I try to take mental photos, but they fade. Instead, I find it's better for me to just revel in the moment. One of my favorite moments to practice cherishing is after I've nursed him to sleep, when I'm holding and rocking him. I take in every detail - his limp arms, his solid little body, his soft hair under my chin. Precious moments indeed.

Which moments do you cherish?

arsenal of cakes

2009-04-28T12:07:00.005-04:00

Here I am, dreaming about cake all week, baking up a storm, and I slip on by Molly's page only to find she, too, has been thinking about cake! It must be in the air.
Here are the cakes of my week - number one, a classic, easy chocolate cake, just one layer. It has coffee in it so it went perfectly with coffee ice cream. Best eaten in the afternoon, with a friend.
Number two - a heavenly fragrant, moist Fig Cake, made with homemade jam from dried figs. This one takes an extra hour to make the jam, but my friends who tried it all said it was one of the best cakes I have ever made. Naturally, this cake is going in my repertoire, rather, my arsenal of cakes.

Number three (shown above) - Molly's French Yogurt Cake, made with tangelo instead of lemon. I soaked the cake with both the syrup and the glaze, as suggested by Molly. I wanted to use lemon, believe me, but all I had was one lonely beautiful tangelo. Yesterday it was raining and Finn was napping and I had just enough time, maybe 10 minutes, and all the right ingredients to throw together this lovely cake.

Allergies have been terrible, but it hasn't stopped the loveliness of life from proceeding. The bearded irises are blooming.

The sun tea is steeping.

And the cakes are cooling.

I wonder what cakes this coming week will bring!
What is your favorite cake?

watchfully and tenderly

2009-04-22T23:10:00.003-04:00

Happy Earth Day!
As you can see out my window, the trees are donning their green and the air is fresh and warm.

I updated the mantle as part of my spring cleaning. That painting with mixed media was made by a good friend of mine, actually one of the dearest friends to my heart. It says "My Life Is Changing", which is a mantra I began long ago and which she and I chant to one another as the years go by.
It is never not true.

And here is the sweet little lace trim peeking out of the pocket of my apron. Now that it is done I am anxious to bake a cake while wearing it.
I do have my eye on a recipe for a Fig Cake. I imagine I might make it tomorrow, to welcome home Mimi and Gen, who have been away for nearly a week.

Because the weather was finally warm and not windy today Natalie and Luke came over and we worked in the garden. I battled some spearmint but they are really the ones that did the work. They brought over the seedlings they watchfully and tenderly grew at home, and they transplanted the tomatoes and onions into the garden.

Like I mentioned, we battled the spearmint. Here's Natalie, showing the remains of our plunders.

I'm reading "Something I've Been Meaning to Tell You," a collection of short stories by Alice Munro, whom I love. Her work is the best example of ideal fiction I could imagine. She writes with such simplicity, but the reader can plainly see how carefully her words have been chosen. Sometimes I pause at a short paragraph, wondering exactly why she found it necessary to add those sentences. What do they mean in relation to the rest of the story? What weight could a cherry pound cake wrapped doubly in wax paper and newspaper carry in a story about romance or the lack of?
When I read her words I feel that I need not ever try to write my own fiction, because she has already written exactly what I would hope to convey. It's a feeling both comforting and disconcerting.

welcome

2009-04-18T23:01:00.004-04:00

Hello! Glad you made it. I love beginning again.
Goodbye to the old, hello to the new!