3.10.2011

child of illusion

It seems that times of growth and change can be so difficult and often painful. I have had a difficult month, and that's why I haven't written. Though writing is my long lost love, and I know it is ameliorating, I often push it away in hard times. This year has just begun, yet I know it is the beginning of something special for me. I decided to begin truly appreciating life and thriving. This is my life, I realized, and if there is something I want to do, or make, or give, or see happen, then I need to do the work required to bring it to fruition. Though life is short, fleeting, and perhaps this lifetime is one in a million past or future lives, it is important and I do not wish to let it slip by. I read that you can view life one of two ways: as though nothing is a miracle, or as though every thing is a miracle. I would not consider myself a believer in miracles, but I appreciate the gist of this statement. I want to live as a child of illusion, taking it all in with wonder and curiosity. Backing away from my labeling mind, which constantly wants to judge situations or thoughts or people as "good"/"bad", and instead just coming at the world with an open mind.
I feel that when I decided to start living, truly living, a seed inside my heart and mind began to grow. As if on cue, a tiny tendril began to push against the surface. It hurt so much and it stirred all the dust and ancient hurts up, but still it pushed. That tendril broke through when the surface could not take the pressure any longer. The surface cracked, allowing the tendril to reach up blindly, pushing for more light.
Now I hope to water that seedling, and to nurture it. I wish to encourage it on its journey. What this means in real terms for me is that I would like to begin nurturing my spirit, in many different ways. Creating is at the core of my (and your) being. I would like to create more. I would like to write more. I would like to give more. And I would like to love more.
I often whisper sweet things to my baby, specifically "you belong", and I'm beginning to realize I also need to whisper that to myself. Because I believe that is what we all want, is to belong, and we do belong. We belong here, in this life. We can find purpose. We belong here in this moment. We can learn to take it in, and to be still long enough to really experience that peace and belonging. This is what I hope to learn, and to experience, and I hope this also for you. 

8 comments:

Barbara said...

Jess,
I notice that my own thoughts seem to want to drift towards negative critical thinking so much of the time.
I've been going around the apartment and putting up affirmations ( something I wouldn't normally do) and trying to repeat some of them during the day, just saying them out loud.
This is a time I feel like I really need to believe in myself.
I don't know if these things would be helpful to you..
Oh and lots of podcasts on creativity.
But maybe there is something there?
I'm so glad you are back here writing!

natalie said...

yesterday i caught myself being so negative about others, myself & life. today will be different. today will be better.

"you belong"... you are such a great momma.
love you, girl.
thank you for writing this. such an encouragement <3

Jess said...

thank you both for the encouragement!
Barbara, there is actually an affirmation that means a lot to me: "I love. I feel pain. I am trying to survive. I am a good person." It is so simple but it is true, and I can say it about myself or others, which I like. What are some good podcasts on creativity? I'd be interested to check them out.
Natalie, those are good sentiments too - "today will be different. today will be better." Good mantras!

Maggie Ann. said...

Jess,
This is so beautiful. The words you speak here are powerful. Asserting and acknowledging the growth your soul is experiencing, I believe, will accelerate its process.
So much of what you have written is so akin to the movement happening within my own life. How sweet it would be to sit with tea and you and speak of these things.
I adore what you say about belonging. It is the ache of my heart, to fully realize this-- that I belong and am precious just as I am...
So much love to you. Keep shining mama.

Barbara said...

Jess, I like to listen to craftsanity and creative thursday
podcasts..

Lainey Seyler said...

beautiful post.

i definitely err on the side of illusion, but i often see it as a bad attribute. i'm glad to have this perspective.

jessie said...

jess, i loved reading this. thank you for posting your thoughts. i definitely pull away from writing and even admitting to my thoughts when things are hard. i mean, jeremy gets them in all of my 10,000 words, but you know. :) i'm really excited for you to create, write, give, and love more.

Jamie said...

I had a moment today when the sun was just at the right position in the sky, my car windows were down, my hand languidly dancing on the wind... and something caught hold of me. An old, familiar, nearly forgotten feeling. It lit me up. I think I might have even cried. It was as if my self had suddenly come back inside of me, woke up, tickled me all over, and as you say, whispered, "you belong."


I resonate so much with this gorgeous written, genuine and deep post you've written. I've been longing for the return of my self for a long time now, often frustrated by my lack of feeling... the lack of poetry, of writing, painting, creating... of loving and of being truly, deeply happy.

I love you